Something tells me, (in that way the phrase "you should do a blog" repeatedly appears in random places), I should do this rather anonymous exposure of myself, which means I do not yet have a point to pursue, and am just learning how to do this, therefore I am still very unsure about what to write and where, and why to write it.
I am a seeker, to the point of a compulsive need to know the nature of everything. There just always seems to be something amazing I did not see before. Perhaps this compulsion is a result of the chaotic unpredictability of my childhood. My father was a free and restless spirit, who feared being “fenced in” , which meant our life style as migrant workers left us very often living out of the car. I have lived so many places I can not count them, can not remember all the schools I have attended. Kinda leaves one with the idea the world is your classroom. My Fathers ‘free spirit” also included a love of drinking ‘spirits’, which provided the standard chaotic jack-in-the-box home environment of alcoholism. All this left me often feeling very isolated, I became intensely shy, and vigilantly uncertain. I became a compulsive watcher. I watch, and watch myself watching, which may explain how the seeking thing came about from all that watching for the next thrill of “dink-e-da-dink…….POP”. It certainly launched me into my own long journey into and out of alcohol and drug addictions. After all these years this compulsion has developed into a need to understand the essence of my environment, and my years of recovery has left me with a honed aptitude be ruthlessly honest with myself. So here I sit struggling to express who I am finding that to be.